


Hopeless

by when_you_know_you_know



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Depression, F/F, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-09-20 11:38:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17021967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/when_you_know_you_know/pseuds/when_you_know_you_know
Summary: Beca visits Chloe at Vet school and finds her best friend in a far worse state than Aubrey had first warned..





	1. Chapter 1

Beca pushed the key slowly into the lock of the front door, cautiously pushing the door open and she paused, keeping her breath held while she listened hard for any sign of movement within the small apartment.

Nothing.

Not only that there was no singing or music playing. No humming or happy whistling. 

Nothing.

Just darkness.

So Beca reached for the light switch and the apartment was suddenly bathed in light. Her mouth dropped open as she peered inside. This apartment felt...alien. Even though she’d visited here several times before, it felt as though she were visiting this place for the first time. And Beca’s heart raced in fear. The state of this apartment didn’t seem much like Chloe. 

When she and her best friend had lived together a couple of years back in Brooklyn, the redhead had always been the one keeping the place tidy. Sure, it had looked cluttered because there had been three of them sharing a tiny studio apartment. But Chloe had always been the one to keep on top of the washing up, on ensuring the fridge had food in it, on enduring the laundry was done and dried so they all had at least one clean outfit to wear per day.

But as Beca stepped cautiously into the small apartment that was located near to Davis University, she realised that Chloe’s ‘downward spiral’ that Aubrey had been describing to Beca on the phone this morning was far worse than had been made out. The blonde had asked Beca to check on Chloe, hoping that the woman might at least listen to her. And Beca - assuming that Aubrey had been overreacting - had reluctantly agreed. Not because she didn’t like seeing Chloe - she did and if she were honest she didn’t see the woman nearly enough any more - but because she didn’t think an ‘urgent visit’ was necessary.

Chloe didn’t get depressed. And she certainly didn’t get depressed after a breakup. Beca knew Chloe. Chloe usually just put a breakup down to the universe telling her that whoever she’d broken up with just wasn’t for her.

Chicago, as it turned out, was this latest breakup. And while Beca hadn’t been overly keen on the guy - mostly thanks to the raging secret crush she had on Chloe herself - she’d supported her best friend’s decision when Chloe had announced to The Bellas that she and Chicago were going to have a long-distance relationship while she attended Vet School.

Millionaire Fat Amy had hooked Chloe up with this beautiful one bedroomed apartment close to the campus so the redhead would have her own space and independence. But now, two and a half years on, Beca looked around the place, the door having swung shut. And she couldn’t help the tears that were beginning to build in her eyes.

What had happened to her? What had happened to Chloe?

Old pizza boxes and candy wrappers and chip packets and beer bottles and cans were strewn all over the floor and surfaces. A large blanket lay crumpled on the floor which Beca assumed the redhead had dropped when getting up from the couch to wherever she was now. There was dust settled on the surfaces around her. The trash can in the kitchen was full and in need of emptying. And Beca feared she could smell a stale cigarette which she eventually found stubbed out with a bunch of other cigarette butts on a glass chopping board.

Beca swallowed loudly, gently placing her handbag down. She wished she’d visited Chloe sooner than this. Four months was too long. Clearly it was too long. 

The brunette slowly made her way through to the door at the back of the apartment she knew to be the bedroom, and with a deep breath she pushed it open gently. The light from behind her flooded into the dark bedroom. A room that looked as messy as the apartment had, with clothes strewn everywhere, makeup scattered across the dressing table, and the blinds open. And she had to admit, the place didn’t smell great..

Beca noticed a lump in the middle of the bed, covered in blankets, and the woman slowly made her way towards it. Her feet crunched on something she though was most likely Cheetos - Chloe’s favourite snack. Her eyes noticed a box of medication on the small bedside table. But there it didn’t look as though it’d been opened. 

She perched on the edge of the bed, the mattress dipping slightly under her light weight, and with a deep breath she reached out and flicked the bedside lamp on. The room filled with light and Beca blinked a couple of times before turning to the body in the bed to her left as that person threw their hands to their eyes with a groan.

“Hey sweetie.” Beca said in a quiet tone, trying to hide her fear as she reached out to brush some of Chloe’s thick greasy hair from her forehead. She’d never seen her best friend in this sort of state before. Ever. And it put the fear of God into her. 

Beca admitted herself she’d sucked taking care of herself sometimes in college. That she’d have days and nights like this. Laying in the dark completely exhausted because she could never sleep thanks to the thoughts of feeling worthless running around in her head. She’d never imagined Chloe would ever be like that. Ever.

Chloe was a ray of sunshine. Forever optimistic and bubbly and hopeful and...

Beca let out a heavy sigh, tears in her eyes and she sniffed loudly, trying to hold them back. She couldn’t show vulnerability right now when Chloe was in a vulnerable position herself. This was their thing. They balanced each other well. Any time Beca had been low, Chloe had always pulled her up. Now it was Beca’s turn.

“What’re _you_ doing here?” Chloe mumbled into her hands. The tone to her voice was unlike anything Beca had heard from Chloe before. Exhausted and hopeless. And it made Beca’s stomach knot.

“I’m here to see you.” Beca answered softly. But her heart broke when Chloe let out a heavy sigh, her hands moving from her face, and the redhead immediately turned her heavy body around so her back was to Beca. Beca brought her hand back to her lap.

“Well you’ve seen me. You can go now.” Chloe replied in a dull tone.  
Beca swallowed loudly again, her mouth dropped open while a single tear finally fell from her eye, running down her cheek. Chloe had never turned her away before.

“What if I don’t want to go?” Beca croaked quietly, “What if I want to take care of you?”

There was a long pause and Beca feared that Chloe might not have heard her. She could remember how loud the negative voices in her head used to be back in college. How they would often drown out other people’s voices. Real people’s voices. But Chloe let out another heavy sigh:

“I’m a lost cause, Beca. Just go back to your perfect life with your perfect career and your perfect fans.” 

Beca felt a lump in her throat. She’d had a very successful couple of years as a recording artist, and had just completed a sold-out arena tour. She was adored by the media and had over a million followers on Instagram - a sign of her popularity. But Beca would trade all of that in to see Chloe happy again. She hoped none of this was her fault. Hoped that her being away so much and never having time to text or call her best friend hadn’t been the cause of her downward spiral.

“When did you last have company?” Beca asked cautiously, cutting the silence that had filled the air around them.

“The take-out guy brought me pizza a couple of days ago?” Chloe mumbled, sounding as though each word was a struggle to say. Her voice sounded dry and gravelly. It killed Beca to see and hear her like this.

“I meant who was the last person to spend time with you? A long time. In the apartment.” 

There was an even longer pause and Beca felt her heart continuing to race. She hated this. Chloe never used to like silence. Never used to leave a question unanswered if it was sent her way. But the minutes seemed to tick on, Beca staring out the window at the traffic’s lights that hummed along the streets below. She had to admit, it was a pretty nice view.

“Aubrey.” was the only name that eventually fell out of Chloe’s mouth. Beca turned to look back at her best friend’s curled up body. She’d spoken to Aubrey on the phone this morning. The blonde had said that she hadn’t been able to visit Chloe in three weeks. Chloe had been alone for three weeks!

The younger woman turned to glance at the medication on the bedside table. She recognised it as the same medication she was on. The one that was prescribed to her when she’d eventually seeked help from the doctor about her depressive state. Back in college. With Chloe close beside her.

Now Chloe had been the one in need of help, and Aubrey had taken Chloe to the doctors. Clearly it had been three weeks since the medication had been prescribed. But the box still laid there untouched. 

“Have you taken any of that medication?” she asked tentatively, but she heard the quickest come-back Chloe had offered since they’d begun talking.

“If you’re gonna start preaching to me about my meds then I’m gonna stop talking to you.”

Beca hesitated. Normally she’d frown. Normally she’d get angry and try to fight her side. She knew her side was the right side. That what she was saying was sensible. But she also knew how Chloe might be feeling. So all she mustered was a whispered: “ _Okay_.”

She slowly stood up from the bed, her heart aching for her best friend. For the woman she’d been so in love with when they’d been living together after college. The woman she was still so in love with now. The woman who seemed a million miles away from the woman she’d once known. And she blamed herself. She should’ve made more of an effort to stay in contact.

Beca switched the bedside lamp off, slowly shuffling out of the bedroom and through to the main area of the apartment. Then she looked through the kitchen cupboards, eventually finding a glass to fill with water. 

She pulled her phone from her back pocket with a sigh. There was no way she was going back to LA tomorrow like she’d always planned - having assumed before arriving here that Chloe was okay. She was going to stay here for as long as Chloe needed her. Even if it’d have to be a month. She texted Theo:

Not coming back tomorrow. Big family emergency. Will call to tell you more in the morning. Beca

They’d live. The record company, her bosses, her PA. Everyone. Chloe on the other hand.. Beca knew she couldn’t leave her. Not least of all because Aubrey having not been here in three weeks meant that there was a glaringly obvious fact hanging over the apartment right now: Chloe hadn’t had a hug in at least three weeks.

Beca took another deep breath, pulling up Spotify on her phone. Music. Music always soothed the soul. It was what connected her and Chloe the most. 

Her Solomon Grey playlist was her calmest playlist on her account, and as ‘The Rift’ began playing, the brunette took the glass of water back through to the bedroom, closing the door over behind her. Beca then made her way back to the bed, placing the glass down beside the meds before taking a deep breath. She slid her boots off, looking down at the small heap that was her best friend, still looking so small and vulnerable.

Then ever so gently, Beca pulled the bedcovers back and slowly eased onto the bed, laying down beside Chloe. She tugged the bedcovers back over her body, and slipped her arm across her best friend’s waist, snuggling into the back of her as ‘big spoon’. 

The room fell silent again, and Beca felt Chloe’s body rising and falling slowly while they laid together. She noted how skinny Chloe had become, and she feared her best friend had drastically lost weight since her breakup with Chicago all those weeks ago. 

There had been so many times back in college, when Beca had been having a ‘cloudy day’, and Chloe would just walk into her bedroom unannounced and silent, before scrambling under her blankets with her and holding Beca tight. They were among some of Beca’s favourite memories from college. The safety she’d always felt in Chloe’s arms, particularly when she’d felt like an entirely lost cause was unlike anything she’d ever felt before, and anything she’d felt since. 

Chloe’s body trembled against hers and Beca heard a small sob fall from the woman’s mouth. A sob that had Beca holding her a little tighter. 

“I don’t deserve this.” Chloe blubbed, and Beca did something she’d never done to Chloe before: she placed a soft kiss on her shoulder blade, choosing that to be her reply instead of using words. 

“I’m only going to let you down if you stay.” Chloe warned quietly, after a few moments silence, but Beca shook her head gently:

“Impossible.” Was her quiet reply, which only served to make Chloe tremble a little harder followed by a louder sob.

“I mean it, Beca. Save yourself-“ Chloe tried to keep pursuading, but her sentence was cut off by her own sob as she began to cry heavily. Loudly. The sound of her cry echoing around the small bedroom.

“Come here.” Beca whispered, tugging gently on Chloe’s hip to have her best friend turn around and the redhead slowly did. It was in that moment that Beca saw the opportunity to wrap her arms around Chloe properly, doing so while the woman bawled heavily into her chest.

“It’s okay.” Beca said in a quiet hush, stroking her fingertips across Chloe’s skin while the redhead continued to cry, “You’re gonna be okay.”

It was going to be a long few days, weeks...months... But Beca was determined of one thing right now, particularly as Chloe’s crying slowly began to subside while she lay in Beca’s arms:

There was no way she was leaving the woman she loved in her time of need.

She pressed a gentle kiss to Chloe’s forehead, then rested her chin on top of Chloe’s head, letting out a heavy sigh that echoed Chloe’s heavy shaky sigh. She could feel Chloe gripping the front of her shirt. Clinging to it as though Beca were going to slip away at any moment. But Beca was going nowhere. Even if it meant cancelling the promo tour she had coming up in a couple of weeks. Even if it meant ruining her career. Chloe was far more important.

So Beca felt the need to mumble: “‘m not going anywhere, Chlo. I’m here for good.”

And she heard Chloe let out a loud sniff before sighing shakily again:

“Thank you.” the redhead whispered, and Beca kissed Chloe’s forehead again. Then they slowly drifted off to sleep in one another’s arms for what was the first time in years. The first time since their final night sharing that fold-out bed in Brooklyn. Before Beca moved to LA and started her career. Before Chloe moved to Davis to begin her Veterinary degree. Before they lessened their communication.

They were in for a challenging future. But they’d make it out the other side. Stronger. And together.

 


	2. Two

Beca had only been asleep for around an hour before she woke again. The bedroom was still dark. The traffic still hummed outside. And Chloe’s breathing was no longer heavy, loud and peaceful. It was quiet, shallow, and her body shifted within Beca’s arms from time to time.

The brunette knew Chloe was awake. And she didn’t know what to do. She wanted to talk to her. Desperately. To see if her best friend could describe to her how she might be feeling. But she knew what depression was like. She knew it was easier to shut everyone out. To not talk. To remain alone.

“Want some water?” Beca mumbled against Chloe’s forehead, but the woman just shook her head gently. Beca was worried. She couldn’t be sure of the last time Chloe had drank any fluids that hadn’t been beer or spirits.

Suddenly she felt Chloe’s fragile body quiver again and heard a sob falling from her best friend’s mouth. Chloe began crying hard, and although Beca tried to tighten her hug, she felt Chloe prizing her arms open, and pushing away from her. Beca watched through the darkness as Chloe turned around, turned away from her, and the brunette felt empty. Why was Chloe pushing her away?

Beca gently scooted her hips closer to her best friend, slowly smoothing her arm over Chloe’s hip as they had been laid earlier, but this time Chloe plucked Beca’s arm from her body and threw it back to her, muttering a moody “Leave me alone, Beca.”

And Beca froze, her arm up and hovering in mid-air. She didn’t know what to do. This Chloe wasn’t like the Chloe she’d known in college. The Chloe she’d known in college had done everything in her power to receive a hug - particularly from Beca of all people! But not any more. And it caused tears to form in Beca’s eyes once again.

She loved Chloe. She was _in_ _love_ with Chloe. Had been for years. But Chloe had been with Chicago and now she was single but vulnerable. So Beca had no choice but to let out a small sniff to try to keep her tears back, then gently shuffled out of Chloe’s bed. She felt hopeless. How had Chloe always been so good at this comforting stuff but she was so shit at it when the tables were turned?

Beca made her way out of the bedroom, grimacing slightly as her socks crunched on discarded chips, and squelched on old beer that was seeping from the discarded beer bottles. But she eventually made it out, closing the door over with a heavy sigh. She reached out and flicked the light of the main body of the apartment on.

And as her eyes readjusted to the state of the place - a sign of just how unravelled Chloe had become - Beca threw her hands to her face and burst into tears. She tried to keep her sobs quiet, but Chloe laid in her bed, hearing everything, staring at the thin line of light that ran through her bedroom from the ajar doorway..

 

* * *

The only sounds that echoed around the apartment over the next couple of hours, was the sound of Beca clearing up the lounge and kitchen, with intermittent sobs and sniffs from the brunette. She was distraught. And she blamed herself.

She should’ve been more persistent whenever Chloe had declined an invite to one of her shows. Should have had her driver wait for Chloe until the redhead caved. Maybe if Chloe had seen more of The Bellas she wouldn’t have got this bad? Maybe if she’d seen more of Beca they wouldn’t have lost touch? Beca had been busy, sure. But she hadn’t been so busy that she’d end up leaving Chloe and her old world behind. Except…she had. So Beca completely blamed herself.

“Why did you come here?” came a croaky voice and Beca jumped, turning around to see Chloe stood just outside the door of her bedroom. The brunette’s stomach churned in horror.

Chloe had lost weight. A lot of weight. Her once plump rosie cheeks lay gaunt. Her blue eyes that once shone so bright were dull, bloodshot, and shiny. The dark shadows that lay beneath revealed just how little she’d slept. Her hair that had once been so long and full and shiny now lay long, matted and greasy. And her clothes hung off her, covering a lot of her pale dry skin.

Beca almost didn’t recognise her best friend. And it broke her heart.

“I missed you.” Beca answered after a few beats but Chloe scrunched her face up.

“Bullshit.” She replied in a loud sharp tone that almost stabbed Beca in the heart, “If you’d missed me so much you would’ve texted, Beca! You would’ve called!”

Beca knew her best friend was right. She’d been caught up in her crazy schedule. She’d been caught up in being a successful recording artist. Worlds away from Chloe’s life as a veterinary student. But she hadn’t been lying. She had missed Chloe. She’d thought about her every day since they’d left Brooklyn. But any time she’d gone to text or call her she’d been reminded of the moment she’d watched Chloe and Chicago’s first kiss. The moment her heart had properly broken for the first time. Beca was still trying to repair it.

“I _did_ miss you!” Beca said in a raised tone, the lack of sleep and exhaustion overtaking her self control. She was getting riled up. And she knew Chloe was already starting to thrive on it.

“Oh so you missed me but felt like you couldn’t contact me, was that it?” Chloe yelled back, taking another pace forward, and Beca was low-key relieved she’d already swept up the broken glass near there. There was no way Chloe would let her pick a bit of glass from her foot. “You in your perfect huge world as a multi-million dollar, multi-award winning recording artist?”

Beca dropped the large plastic sack of trash she’d been holding, her jaw locked while she glared at Chloe. The only person in the world who she was both madly in love with and madly frustrated with.

“Surrounded by people who adore you all the time?” Chloe continued in a loud voice, tears piercing her bloodshot eyes, “Yeah you must’ve thought about me every day while you were hanging out with anyone who’s anyone in the music industry-”

“-You don’t know what I’ve been thinking!” Beca snapped back, tears tainting her own eyes while she yelled, “You don’t know how shit my life can be! How lonely it is and how frustrating it is and how some days all I want to do is run back to our little apartment in Brooklyn and for life to be the way it used to be!”

Tears had begun to roll down Chloe’s pale cheeks but she still looked at Beca furiously, “You _hated_ that apartment! You _hated_ sharing that shitty bed with me! You _hated_ those years! You hated those years you spent with me!!”

Beca was stunned into silence. She was still glaring at Chloe and their chests were still rising and falling angrily. But Chloe’s final words echoed around the cleaner apartment. Beca didn’t know what to say. Of course she hadn’t hated those years. They were among the best years of her life. But just as she opened her mouth to protest, Chloe interrupted:

“I’m going for a shower.” she snapped, and strode away from the kitchen and through to the bathroom, slamming the door closed.

Beca was left staring at the place Chloe had been stood in. And suddenly a loud sob sounded from the bathroom as Chloe burst into tears, and the shower was switched on. Beca swallowed loudly. She hadn’t had an argument with Chloe for years. Back in college they were forever bickering and had the odd full-blown argument here and there. But nothing like that. Nothing where Chloe would storm off. It’d always been Beca who’d done the storming.

The brunette collected the last few empty beer bottles and lined them up with the rest. Then swept the final patch of floor. She’d raided the cupboards to find some form of air freshener, but there’d been nothing. She’d have to go to a shop tomorrow to get some. And she’d open the windows too.

After twenty minutes, Beca found herself stood outside the closed door of the bathroom, listening hard. Her heart was racing in fear. She’d not heard any signs of Chloe having a shower in there, though the water was still running. And that was when Beca started to panic.

What if Chloe had self-harmed? She was alone in the bathroom. And Beca hadn’t thought to check it for any dangerous items that Chloe could hurt herself with.

With a shaky exhale, Beca slowly twisted the doorknob, and stepped inside, relieved that Aubrey had removed the lock the last time she was here - three weeks ago. The brunette peered through the condensation to see nobody stood in the shower. Confused, she slowly wandered further inside. Then she caught sight of her.

Chloe was sat on the floor of the shower, beneath the stream of hot water, her knees tucked up to her chin, and all of her clothes still on. She appeared to still be crying. But she was also staring at one single patch on the floor before her.

Beca’s heart lurched for her best friend. For the woman she loved. She could remember feeling this low. How safe sitting under a hot shower would feel. As though it were cloaking her from the horrible world outside of the bathroom. Protecting her.

So the brunette, without a word, stepped into the large shower. She didn’t remove any of her clothes either, and simply embraced the water as it fell on her while she took a seat on the floor beside Chloe. Then they sat in silence for several minutes, just listening to the rumble of the shower water rattling on surfaces around them.

Beca felt Chloe lean into her side, and the brunette brought her arm up and around her shoulders. Chloe turned her face into the nook of Beca’s neck, gripping onto the lapels of Beca’s soaked plaid shirt, and she cried hard against Beca’s wet skin.

Beca held her tight, bringing her other arm around Chloe’s body to hold her properly. And they both sat in the shower, underneath the hot stream, their clothes and hair soaked. But they were together. Both crying. Beca muttering quiet “I’m sorry”’s with Chloe echoing the same.

Chloe slowly nudged her face up from Beca’s neck, the tip of her nose sliding up the woman’s soft skin and along her jawline. Water still drizzled over their faces. But their eyes were closed.

Beca was frozen as she felt Chloe nudging the tip of her nose against hers, and their foreheads met. Their breathing increased, their chests rising and falling quickly, shower water dripping from their bottom lips and chins as their mouths hung open. And suddenly, Chloe’s mouth slowly enclosed over Beca’s.

The petite brunette remained a little stunned, while Chloe continued to kiss her, and Beca only half-heartedly kissed her back, not overly sure if them kissing right now was a good idea. Particularly considering Chloe’s low mood and recent breakup. Would this be deemed as Beca ‘taking advantage’ of Chloe even though Chloe was making all the moves here?

As Chloe’s hand drifted up to Beca’s cheek, cupping it, their kiss deepened: Chloe slipping her tongue into Beca’s mouth. And Beca realised that her love for Chloe was really the only thing stopping her from breaking this kiss. That this kiss was exactly what she’d dreamt of for years.

So with that in mind, Beca began reciprocating the pressure of the deep kisses, her tongue rolling with Chloe’s. This appeared to be an invitation, and she felt her best friend sit up and straddle her lap, grinding her hips into her gently while their kissing turned into a slightly more ferocious make out session.

Light moans and mews of approval were released from the backs of their throats while they continued to kiss heavily, years of thick sexual tension finally being broken and released into reality. Beca’s hands slipped up the back of Chloe’s soaked top, her nails clawing down the pale skin while Chloe began tugging at the unbuttoned plaid shirt, parting it and trying to loop it off Beca’s shoulders.

But suddenly Chloe stopped, immediately letting go of the shirt and breaking the kiss with a loud ‘smack’. And their foreheads rested against each other again while Chloe cleared her throat.

“I…I can’t…we can’t…I-I’m sorry.” she muttered breathlessly beyond the rattling of the shower water. And Beca’s stomach churned while she watched Chloe slip off her lap with a sigh, before stepping out of the shower, and leaving the bathroom with heavy slaps of her wet feet.

Beca sat in stunned silence, out of breath, the pressure of Chloe’s lips still an echo on her own. What the fuck were they going to do now??


	3. Three

Beca had sat in the shower for a whole fifteen minutes after Chloe had left. Stunned. Completely baffled by what had happened.

Chloe had _kissed_ her. She’d kissed Chloe back. Then the worst thing had happened. Chloe had _stopped_. She’d said they couldn’t kiss. She’d walked away. Chloe had _walked_ _away_.

Beca sniffed she’d been crying so hard, her tears having been immediately swept away by the shower water as it continued to fall over her. She was so upset. Her heart hurt. Ached. And it was all because of Chloe. It was all for Chloe. The woman she loved with every fibre of her being.

Eventually the shower water became cold and, when it became too unbearable, Beca rose to her feet to switch the shower off. She shivered slightly, letting out sharp exhales of air as she left the large cubical in search of a towel. She miraculously found a few stacked up in a cupboard opposite.

Beca ran the towel through her long wet hair before unsticking her soaked clothes from her body. She felt numb, her mind blank save for the memory of how warm Chloe’s lips had felt against hers. She rubbed her body down with the towel until she was dry, then wrapped it around her naked body.

As she padded her way out of the bathroom and down the small corridor, she heard Chloe sobbing in the bedroom. It was a sound she was becoming accustomed to. And Beca _hated_ it.

She also hated that at this very moment in time the only clothes in the apartment were in the room Chloe was crying. And as a result, the brunette gently pushed through the closed-over door and into the dark room.

Her bare foot immediately landed on an abandoned Cheeto, and Beca grimaced. As soon as the sun was up, she would be cleaning this bedroom. Especially as she couldn’t see herself leaving this apartment any time soon.

The grimace must’ve been loud enough for Chloe to hear because the redhead let out a tiny gasp, immediately stopping her sobbing and instead sniffing loudly before letting out a heavy sigh. Beca didn’t know what to say. So instead she began picking her way as best as possible over to her phone which was still on the bedside table, still playing her Soloman Grey playlist.

She picked the device up and turned the flashlight feature on. Her stomach churned when she took in the full effect of the messy bedroom, as well as the sight of Chloe perched on the edge of the bed with her back turned to her.

Chloe was still wearing her wet clothes, completely soaked, and looked as though she might be shivering slightly. Beca wasn’t surprised. Even she felt quite cold. And she’d dried herself off except for a fair bit of her thick hair.

The brunette made her way around to the closet opposite Chloe, tugging the door open and stepping inside. Funnily enough this appeared to be the most organised and tidiest part of the whole apartment - which got Beca wondering when the last time had been that Chloe had changed out of the clothes she was currently sat in. Probably three weeks ago when Aubrey was last here.

“What’re you looking for?” Chloe croaked in a confused tone. But Beca was getting tired. And her fuse was shortening.

“In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m a little wet. My clothes are soaked. And I didn’t bring any others with me.” She began reaching up to a shelf and pulling down a sweatshirt to wear, then crouched down to try to find a suitable pair of pants, “So I’m finding some to wear-“

“-Are you mad with me about something?” Chloe quickly snapped, and Beca grabbed a pair of pants, not ready to look at her best friend just yet. Because yes, she _was_ mad at her.

“I’m mad with you about something, yeah. But I’m more mad with myself.” Beca grumbled, standing up straight and stepping out of the closet. She placed her phone down on the bedside table near Chloe, but still didn’t look at her.

Beca pulled the towel from her naked body, and began tugging the pants on with a tired sigh. She was tired of all this. She just wanted to go back to bed. To fall asleep again. With or without Chloe curling up into her. But Chloe appeared to be in the mood for a squabble.

“You’re mad with yourself because you wish you hadn’t come here.” the redhead assumed in a confrontational tone.

“No.” Beca grumbled, tugging the top over her naked upper body, having lost her embarrassment of being naked in front of Chloe when they’d been living together in that studio apartment in Brooklyn just after graduation. “I’m mad with myself because I wish I’d come here sooner.”

“Well what’s done is done.” Chloe replied in a low tone, “The damage is made. I’m a lost cause. You might as well leave.”

Beca let out a heavy sigh, bending down to pick the towel up from the floor before chucking it on Chloe’s lap. She saw her friend hesitate but Beca wasn’t going to fuck about here. She was tired. And she knew Chloe was in danger of catching a chill.

“Get yourself out of those wet clothes and dry yourself down.” She ordered in a blunt tone, then turned to go back into the closet. As she tried to find the softest most comfortable looking clothes for Chloe to wear, she heard her best friend stand up and begin slowly shedding her wet clothes. Beca found the perfect top and pants, low-key wishing she’d picked them for herself first, then turned to see that Chloe had now wrapped her naked body in the towel - her wet clothing on the floor at her feet.

Beca noted how prominent Chloe’s collarbone was, a sign of how malnourished she was, and she found tears building in her eyes again. Why had she left her alone for this long? She hadn’t seen her in four months. And even then that’d been with the rest of The Bellas.

“Put these on then I’ll brush your hair.” The brunette mumbled, Chloe sheepishly taking the clothes that were held out to her.

Beca picked her way out of the bedroom, successfully avoiding the Cheetos and spilt beer, and wandered over to the kitchen to find her handbag. There she tugged out her hairbrush anda tiny bottle of ‘Lavendar Scented Calming Droplets’ - the latter of which she used if she had trouble sleeping.

When she’d returned to the bedroom, a fresh towel also rolled up under her arm, she found Chloe sat on the other side of the bed, perched on the edge. The redhead looked up at her with an exhausted expression while she motioned behind her.

“The mattress is wet.” she mumbled and Beca nodded gently.

“That’s okay.”

Beca rarely stayed mad around Chloe for long, and seeing her in this vulnerable state meant that her frustration had already begun to wane. Though the memory of Chloe’s kiss remained on her lips, and the brunette found herself torn between wanting to yell at Chloe about how unfair that kiss had been, or wanting to break down at Chloe’s feet and apologise for letting her down.

Fortunately she did neither, instead making her way over to her best friend. She placed the small droplets bottle and hairbrush on the bedside table - not wanting to turn the lamp on and reveal the true state of this bedroom - then unrolled the fresh towel, laying it out on the pillow she’d rested on when she’d originally fallen asleep next to Chloe.

Beca quietly padded around the room, looking for the other discarded towel she’d left with Chloe moments earlier, and found it crumpled on the floor on the other side of the bed. It was a little damp. But it’d do. And she returned to her best friend.

Chloe remained silent, staring down at a patch on the floor while Beca gently brought the towel to Chloe’s hair and slowly dried it with the soft fabric. Beca had never had to dry someone else’s hair before, and she struggled a little at first, Chloe having always had a lot of hair. But before long Beca had completed the task in hand and she conceded in chucking the wet towel on the floor away, from them. She’d pick it up later.

The brunette then took the lavender droplets, placing a single drop on each corner of the rolled-out towel, before turning back to Chloe.

“C’mon.” She mumbled, gently taking Chloe’s hand and motioning to the pillow. Chloe knew exactly what to do. Knew exactly what was about to happen. This had been the very thing they used to do in college. Except instead of Beca being the one who struggled, this time it was Chloe. Instead of Chloe brushing Beca’s hair, it was Beca brushing Chloe’s.

Beca laid behind Chloe, their bodies aligning while Chloe kept her back to the brunette. And Beca slowly, and as gently as possible, drew her hairbrush through Chloe’s thick damp hair.

It was a challenge. And for the first several minutes Beca worked her way through the knots and matted clumps of Chloe’s untended hair. She paused at times, terrified that she’d hurt Chloe while tending to a particularly tough knot, but the redhead didn’t seem to make any noise. And Beca wondered if, in a way, Chloe quite liked the pain.

“I don’t deserve you.” Chloe eventually mumbled, her voice sounding hoarse from all the crying she’d done. Beca paused her brushing, holding her breath for a moment. Of course Chloe deserved her. It was Beca who still doubted that _she_ deserved _Chloe_.

“You’re mad with me about something.” Chloe added after a long pause, her voice quivering when she finished: “You’re mad because I kissed you.”

Beca released the breath she’d been holding. No, as a matter of fact she wasn’t mad with Chloe for kissing her-

“I’m annoyed because you stopped. Because you walked away.” Beca accidentally let slip. She hadn’t wanted to make Chloe feel worse, but that would likely do it. She felt Chloe’s body tremble again and for what felt like the millionth time that night, a sob sounded from Chloe’s mouth.

“I’m mad about that too.” She blubbed, and Beca swallowed loudly, her heart aching for the woman who still had her back turned to her, “ _I’m_ _so_ _sorry_!” Chloe added with a whisper.

As the redhead burst into tears again, Beca placed her hairbrush on the bedside table, and wrapped her arms protectively around Chloe’s small body. Chloe gripped her sleeve, mumbling “I’m so so sorry.” over and over again.

And Beca did nothing but reply over and over again with a whisper, “It’s okay. I’m here.”


	4. Four

The bedroom was silent except for the heavy breathing coming from Chloe’s exhausted body. The redhead was fast asleep, curled up in the protective arms of her best friend. But Beca lay awake, watching the woman’s face while Chloe’s features were lit by the slowly rising sun.

Beca hadn’t slept much at all. She was worried. Terrified. Everything that was happening to Chloe at the moment was something that Beca had gone through at one time in her life. The only difference was Chloe had got to her sooner. And they’d been living in a house with seven other friends. Beca had made it through a lot quicker than Chloe seemed to be.

But then Beca had to remind herself that this was early days. Very early days. It’d take more than a couple of hours of good solid sleep to help Chloe. The redhead needed water and food and more sleep. And some medication...

Beca let out a small sniff then a tiny sigh as a tear rolled down her cheek. She’d been crying on and off for ages. Her body and mind full of concern and worry for her best friend, as well as a whole heap of blame on herself for not getting to Chloe sooner. Beca had no idea if the blame would ever leave. It probably wouldn’t.

She brought her left hand from around Chloe’s vulnerable body, and delicately smoothed her fingertips across Chloe’s cheek. Her skin was soft, but still a little blotchy from the amount the woman had cried earlier.

Beca cupped the cheek, then gently placed her forehead on Chloe’s, the tips of their noses touching. And the brunette let out a sad sigh, her eyes flickering shut. She loved Chloe so much. She wished she could help her quicker. What she wouldn’t give to see that smile again on Chloe’s face. The one that lit any room it was so bright.

Another couple of tears slipped from Beca’s eyes as she pulled her face from Chloe’s, placing a gentle kiss on the woman’s nose, before letting out a quiet sob. She would stay here forever if she had to. She had to get Chloe back to the way she’d once been.

After several moments, her tears subsided, and Beca had resettled with her arms around Chloe once again. The sun was slowly filling the bedroom with light, and as it did Beca watched while Chloe began slowly stirred in her sleep.

There was this odd moment that Beca couldn’t quite describe to herself. Because Chloe had seemed so peaceful. So calm when she’d been sleeping. And for the first three or four seconds that her eyes gently flickered open and caught a glimpse of Beca looking back at her, Chloe looked equally at peace. It was the look Beca remembered from the days when they’d used to share a bed back in Brooklyn.

But that look quickly became empty and lost when Chloe’s brain awoke and started whirring. Beca wondered if her best friend also heard voices, just like she had once done back in college. The negative voices that would tell her she was worthless and didn’t deserve the kindness or attention from anyone.

“Good morning.” Beca whispered, her hand returning to Chloe’s cheek, pushing the woman’s red hair back delicately from her face. She watched as Chloe’s eyes drifted shut while a light sigh fell from Chloe’s nostrils.

But unlike before, the redhead didn’t push herself away from Beca’s affection. Instead she simply tightened her grip on the back of Beca’s sweater that she already had fistfuls of. Every step that Chloe needed to take to get better needed to be small ones. Tiny victories. And Beca had a small one to start with. One that Chloe had used herself on Beca back when Beca had been at her lowest in college.

“Can you do a little something for me?” Beca asked in a kind and quiet tone, looking at Chloe hopefully, her hand stilling on the woman’s cheek again. She gently smoothed her thumb over Chloe’s skin while she waited patiently for Chloe to respond.

And the way that Chloe responded was by slowly opening her eyes and looking back at Beca. There was something in her expression that Beca recognised. It was curiosity mixed with worry. But Beca tried to remain calm. This was really important.

“Can you have a gulp of water? Or-or even just a sip? Just...something. Please.”

Beca’s heart raced as Chloe continued to look at her with a blank expression. She’d never seen Chloe look at her blankly before. Chloe had always been so expressive and full of animation, even when she was upset or angry. But this Chloe was world’s away from the Chloe that Beca had once known. This Chloe was difficult to read. And that was probably one of the things that scared Beca the most - she’d never had trouble reading Chloe before now.

Beca watched as Chloe opened her mouth, taking in a small breath of air as though about to answer. But she appeared to think better of it, and instead closed her mouth, letting out the breath through her nose. To Beca’s relief though, Chloe gently nodded her head. And Beca let out a sigh of relief.

“Okay.” She said to Chloe, with the tiniest of smiles to try to assure her best friend that she was happy with this response, “I’ll just go and get you a fresh water yeah?”

Reluctantly she moved her hand from Chloe’s cheek, and her arm from around Chloe’s body, then slowly got up from the bed. She was too tired to acknowledge the random Cheetos and beer bottles littered around the floor of the bedroom.

Beca headed straight out of the bedroom and over to the kitchen, pleased that she’d had the sense to spend some time overnight cleaning and tidying the main body of the apartment.

After filling a glass with bottled water, the multi-award winning recording artist took a sip of the water herself before heading quietly back to the bedroom. She froze in the doorway while peering in, stunned to not only see Chloe sat up in bed, but also taking large gulps of the water from the glass Beca had filled when she’d arrived last night.

The redhead must’ve been thirsty, and Chloe turned to look at Beca as she swallowed her final mouthful, letting out a loud raspy sigh before putting the glass back down on the bedside table. There were no smiles shared. Just a look. But in that look was the mutual understanding that they were both pleased with the small step Chloe had just taken.

Beca wandered back into the bedroom, becoming a bit more accustomed to the route that would help her avoid stepping on Cheetos and beer. She placed the full glass on the bedside table beside the empty glass while Chloe scooched back down into the bed.

The brunette slipped back beneath the bedcovers, laying down with her head on the pillow. And she and Chloe laid there, looking into each other’s eyes with expressionless faces, but with their hands held gently on the mattress between them.

It may not have seemed like much, but Beca deemed Chloe drinking some water a huge achievement - even if it was likely going to be the only achievement of the day. They were at the beginning of a long road. But they were on that road together. And there was no way Beca was going to leave Chloe at any stage..


	5. Five

The following 24hrs had been very similar to the first night that Beca had arrived. A large chunk of it had seen Beca and Chloe laying quietly in bed - Chloe usually asleep or dozing. And Beca would either be lying down with her or sat up beside her with her MacBook on her lap, working on some lyrics or replying to emails. Sometimes Chloe would begin crying for no reason. Sometimes she’d let Beca comfort her. Sometimes she’d push her away. And each time Beca’s worry built. It was like a rollercoaster of emotions for the brunette - seeing the light at intervals during Chloe’s better moments, then tumbling down the dark hole with Chloe when Chloe’s moments were darker.

Miraculously, after a short chat with Theo on the phone during her first morning at Chloe’s, Beca had been told to take the time that she needed to stay there and to contact him every morning to give him a short update on how things were going. While many would think that was Theo and the label looking out for Beca’s well-being, the recording artist knew it was so they could gauge how long she would be away for. It was all about business and money.

Chloe hadn’t made much more progress than the water she’d drank the previous morning. But it was enough of a win to keep Beca’s mind a little calmer.

The woman slid her fingers gently between Chloe’s red hair while they laid opposite one another - Chloe’s eyes open, staring blankly back at Beca. Once bright blue and shining back in the day, Chloe’s eyes still looked dull and bloodshot. But there was something in those eyes that Beca hadn’t seen yesterday. She didn’t want to be so confident that she could describe it as ‘hope’. But there was  _something_.

“I have a new challenge for you today.” Beca croaked, having not really spoken much over the past twenty four hours. Chloe hadn’t exactly been talkative and Beca had been okay with that. She was living and moving to the beat of Chloe’s drum. Steadily. She didn’t want to rush her or put pressure on her for fear of the redhead taking a step backwards and curling into herself again.

“I challenge you to brush your teeth.” Beca said in a soft tone, “It doesn’t have to be for long. And you can do it whenever you want to today. But it’s just a little challenge I want you to do.”

Back in college, this had been one of the challenges perky-Chloe had set low-Beca. The redhead had claimed that a fresh mouth helped anyone feel a bit better. And although Beca had thought Chloe completely mad for believing that, after cleaning her teeth she actually  _had_  felt a tiny bit better.

She watched as Chloe’s eyelids slowly blinked, clearly trying to process the task for the day. Beca continued to slip her fingers through her best friend’s hair, keeping her face calm and assuring. She knew Chloe could do it. She believed in her.

“Does my breath smell that bad?” Chloe asked in a quiet voice, her expression not changing. Had it been under different circumstances, Beca would’ve probably have laughed and Chloe would’ve grinned. But Chloe wasn’t teasing. It was an honest question.

“It’s not about your breath.” Beca assured, even though - now she thought about it - Chloe’s breath didn’t exactly smell fresh, “I just remember you telling me when I was having a low day that I would feel a bit better if I cleaned my teeth. And I actually did.”

There was a pause as Chloe continued to blink slowly, her chest rising and falling steadily, her dull blue eyes peering at Beca.

“I just want you to feel a bit better.” Beca added.

“I want to feel a bit better too.” Chloe mumbled in response, her fingers gently twiddling the base of the top that Beca had changed into last night. She still looked sad. She still looked lost. But Beca hoped that this reply was another positive step that Chloe could take on the road to recovery.

Beca let out a small sigh of relief, the tiniest of smiles appearing in the corners of her mouth. She watched as Chloe reached up and took her hand from her cheek, entwining their fingers and holding it between their bodies. Beca could feel the redhead squeezing her hand gently, dare she say almost  _affectionately_.

“I love it when you smile.” Chloe said quietly after a couple of beats, “You’ve always had a beautiful smile.”

Beca’s heart skipped a beat. She hadn’t ever expected Chloe to compliment her. Hadn’t expected Chloe to hold her hand like this. Not so early on in their time together. But then again…Chloe  _had_  kissed her a couple of nights ago. So even if the woman’s thoughts  _were_ foggy, and her body weak, her feelings low, and her self esteem empty - Chloe must hold  _some_  sort of love for Beca.

Beca brought their entwined hands up and placed a firm kiss on the back of Chloe’s hand, “I’ve gotta call Theo.” she mumbled against her best friend’s skin before bringing their hands back down onto the mattress with a gentle sigh, “Will you be okay?”

She paused while she watched Chloe nod slightly, with a whispered, “ _I’ll be okay._ ”

Beca sat up, easing herself out of the bed. She no longer had to worry about stepping on food and spilt beer - having spent a good part of yesterday afternoon cleaning the bedroom. The apartment already felt fresher, even if she and Chloe didn’t feel overly fresh themselves.

She took one last look over her shoulder at her best friend. Chloe hadn’t moved from her position in her bed, but she continued to watch Beca with her bloodshot eyes. She wouldn’t be gone long.

“I’ll only be in the kitchen.” Beca tried to assure, and she waited until Chloe nodded again to show that she was okay with that. And once she did, the brunette made her way out of the bedroom and through to the kitchen.

Beca poured herself a coffee while bringing her phone to her ear. There wasn’t much to update the label on, but she’d promised she’d call anyway. And if calling meant she wouldn’t be pestered by them, then it wasn’t a big hassle.

“Hey Beca.” came Theo’s calm voice through the phone, and the brunette brought a finger to the corner of her eye to wipe away some ‘sleep dust’. Not that she’d slept much over the past 24 hours or so. She’d been too busy watching Chloe and worrying about her. “How’s it all going?”

“Yeah, I’m still at Chloe’s.” Beca replied, her back to the bedroom door so she wouldn’t disturb her best friend too much.

“And…?”

“And I won’t be leaving her any time soon.”

She heard a heavy sigh fall from her colleague’s mouth but she knew she was the one in control here. She was always the one in control to a certain extent. If they gave her any reason to refuse to comply with something then  _they_  would be the ones in trouble, not her. They needed to be sympathetic to her needs. And right now, she needed to be with Chloe.

“Well do you have an idea of when you might be back in LA?”

Beca bit her bottom lip. She had absolutely no idea. Back in college it had taken weeks for her to even consider going to the doctors (with Chloe’s encouragement) to get help for her depression. Chloe had already been to the doctors. But the woman hadn’t touched her medication yet. And Beca couldn’t be sure how many days or weeks it would take for her to encourage Chloe to start taking it.

“Not yet, no.” she replied.

After several minutes of going back and forth with Theo about the upcoming promo tour she was due to head out on in a couple of weeks, and how she was possibly going to handle the preparation of that tour if she wasn’t in LA over the next couple of weeks, Beca suddenly felt a cold hand wrap gently around her upper arm.

She turned while Theo was midway through his sentence down the phone. And her eyes locked with a pair of blue eyes that still missed the light, but were wider than they had been when Beca had last seen them.

Chloe appeared to be looking at her with an unusual air of confidence, and Beca’s breath caught in her throat when the redhead leant towards her and kissed her on the lips. Both of their eyes fluttered closed and Beca’s arm dropped from its position where she was holding her phone to her ear. Stunned, but comforted by the mix of soft lips giving her a firm kiss, Beca reciprocated the pressure, bringing her hands to Chloe’s hips while Chloe brought her hands up to cup Beca’s cheeks.

Beca felt Chloe’s tongue slip into her mouth, deepening the kiss while they sucked air in through their noses. And Beca recognised a hint of minty freshness. Chloe must’ve just cleaned her teeth.

Suddenly Chloe broke the kiss, a little more calmly than the kiss she’d broken with Beca a couple of nights ago. Beca’s eyes fluttered open to see Chloe’s face a couple of inches from hers. Her eyes darted from one of Chloe’s open eyes to the other and back again, desperately searching for an answer to why this was happening again. Chloe’s hands remained cupping Beca’s cheeks while her right thumb smoothed gently over Beca’s lips.

Then Beca felt her chest tightened as she watched her best friend swipe her tongue quickly over her own lips, no expression to her pale face, releasing Beca’s face from her hands before slowly turning around and wandering back through to the bedroom.

Beca stood in shock, Theo’s voice calling out to her from her phone (“ _Beca!! Hello? Can you hear me??_ ”) and she brought the device up to her ear again, clearing her throat:

“Uh..yeah. Yeah that was a good suggestion. I’ll think about it and let you know.”

Then she ended the call before chucking her phone back down on the kitchen unit beside her. She stood in silence, staring at the bedroom door ahead of her that was ajar. Within that room was the woman she was madly in love with. The woman who had kissed her deeply twice now. But both times those kisses had been broken by her too.

Tears sprung into Beca’s eyes while she furrowed her brow for a moment. She was confused, curious, and hurting.

What the hell was going on??


	6. Six

Beca had mustered up the energy to walk over to the bedroom door and now hovered by it, peering into the room. There Chloe sat on the edge of the bed - the side that Beca had been sitting and sleeping on - her hands palm down in line with her hips while they gripped the edge of the mattress. She stared off at a patch of floor ahead of her. Silent. Expressionless.

What the hell was she thinking? Or feeling? Beca had no idea.

So the brunette slowly wandered into the bedroom, her breath catching in her lungs she was so nervous. She knew it wouldn’t exactly be the most appropriate time to confront Chloe - particularly when she was still so vulnerable - but Beca just  _had_  to know.

She stopped in front of Chloe, took a deep breath, then slowly got down onto her knees before the redhead. All the while Chloe hadn’t looked at Beca but rather past her. Until Beca caught her eye-line with her own eyes.

The apartment was silent save for the morning traffic rolling and honking outside. And the only noises within the bedroom was the sound of Beca breathing nervously through her mouth. Chloe looked down into Beca’s teary eyes while Beca knelt before her. And the brunette gave herself a couple more seconds before finally plucking up the courage to talk.

“I need to know what’s going on.” Beca said slowly, pausing in the hope that Chloe might answer or at least look as though she’d heard what she’d just said. But there was nothing. Chloe just continued to stare.

“I need to know if you kissing me is just some kind of… _comfort_  thing. Or if it’s something more.”

It almost felt like some sort of ultimatum. And Beca didn’t mean it to sound like that at all. She was just very confused. Not least of all because Chloe kissing her only fuelled her deep romantic feelings for the woman. Feelings she’d never revealed to Chloe.

Again, Chloe didn’t respond, thought tears were beginning to well up in her bloodshot eyes. Beca let out a small sniff, trying to keep her own tears at bay.

“If it  _is_  a comfort thing…like, you need some way of releasing all the pain and sadness you feel inside…and that way is by kissing me…” Beca paused to let out a shaky sigh. What she was about to say was a huge risk. She could potentially push her best friend away. Push her back down that dark hole. But she had to find out what was happening here.

“…well I don’t think I can keep letting you do that. It’s just not fair.”

Beca watched as Chloe’s mouth slowly opened, a tear falling from the redhead’s left eye and rolling down her cheek:

“Why isn’t it fair?” Chloe asked in a quiet quivering voice.

Beca let out another sniff, her face scrunching up slightly as she tried to avoid blubbing too much while she answered her best friend’s question:

“Because I’m in love with you?” she said, letting out another sniff while tears began to roll down her cheeks. This was painful. This was her doing what she never did - expose her true self. Expose her feelings. Expose her sadness.

“And…” Beca continued, pausing to let out a small sob while tears began to fall down her own cheeks, “…you have no idea how hard it’s been for me to see you like this. And then for you to kiss me.  _Twice_.”

Beca reached up to swipe the tears from her cheeks while taking a steadying breath. All Chloe did was swallow loudly.

“You kissed me back?” Chloe mumbled with a bit of a blub of her own, “Both times.”

“Yeah but  _why_ , Chloe?  _Why_  did you kiss me?” Beca asked, and the bedroom fell silent apart from their breathing and the odd sniff. She watched as Chloe’s eyes darted from one of her eyes to another and back again, over and over. As if toying with how to answer her question.

“Because you make me feel  _safe_.” Chloe replied with a huge exhale of breath, tears dripping from her chin, “You’ve  _always_  made me feel safe. And I guess I’d forgotten that until you arrived here the other night.”

Beca swallowed loudly, sniffing while tears dripped from her own chin. She watched Chloe swipe her tongue across her tear-drenched lips before the woman’s mouth opened to add more to her answer:

“I’ve been in love with you since college, Beca.”

The words seemed to slip into Beca’s ears as though it were a serenade, but she tried her hardest to ignore it. Was this real-Chloe saying these things? Or was it depressed-Chloe? Because back in college Beca would’ve said anything to have Chloe stay in her bedroom with her when she’d wanted her to stick around. Even have told her that she was in love with her - though Chloe had never left her long enough for Beca to get to that stage.

“And I kissed you the other night because I was sad, and you were there.” Chloe admitted, taking in another sniff while Beca’s shoulders slumped. So Chloe  _had_  been feeling vulnerable when she’d kissed her. She’d only kissed her to try to feel better.

“But when you started kissing me back…” Chloe paused to let out a heavy shaky sigh, “…I realised it wasn’t fair on you for me to be feeling so bad and still be kissing you. So that’s why I stopped it.”

Beca was still looking deep into Chloe’s dull eyes that were shining only from the tears falling from them.

“And that’s why I cried so hard afterwards. I felt  _cruel_. Like I was punishing you for how low I was feeling. And I’ve never wanted to hurt you, Beca.”

There was another pause as Chloe sniffed, dragging her sleeve across her top lip to wipe her running nose. She let out another heavy shaky sigh, looking down at Beca’s lap that rested on the floor between her legs while the brunette knelt before her.

“I feel a million miles away from the Chloe I used to be. Like…I’ve lost her somewhere. She used to be so happy.”

Beca could remember feeling that lost. She felt like that for most of her teenage years actually, until she met Chloe in college. Chloe was like that huge beam of light she’d needed in her dark sad life.

“But kissing you,” Chloe continued, still staring down at the floor sadly, “it gave me the tiniest glimpse at who I used to be. It reminded me of ‘happy Chloe’.”

Beca’s heart skipped a beat. Chloe kissing her made Chloe feel  _happy_? Perhaps that was the key to helping the redhead out of the dark hole of depression she was struggling in.

“I guess when I kissed you just then, I wanted to see if it still felt that way. If kissing you still made me feel safe and happy like old Chloe used to be.”

“And did it?” Beca asked quietly. Tentatively. Sniffing when she felt the need to. She watched as her best friend slowly looked back up into her eyes, and Beca recognised that flicker again. And that was when Beca realised…Chloe was hopeful. Somewhere in there she had  _hope_.

To her relief she watched as the tiniest crack of a smile poked in the corner of Chloe’s mouth, and the redhead nodded slightly, “Yeah.” she croaked.

Beca found herself slowly sitting up on her knees, her eye contact with Chloe not breaking once. They both still cried quietly, tears rolling down their cheeks while they sniffed. But they were now face to face, Beca knelt up between Chloe’s legs while the redhead perched on the edge of the bed.

The bedroom was filled with their shaky breathing and sniffs as Beca and Chloe slowly drew their faces cautiously closer. Neither wanted to hurt the other emotionally. But both knew that this was something they were wanting.

With a deep breath, their eyes gently flickered closed, squeezing their last tears out. And Beca and Chloe’s mouths met, their kiss firm but soft, only made softer by their warm tears.

Beca’s hands rested on Chloe’s thighs while Chloe’s hands wound their way into Beca’s thick long brown hair. And they let out small gasps as they broke momentarily to catch their breath before resuming their kiss that deepened with their mouths opening wider and their tongues slowly slipping together.

This was hardly going to cure Chloe on the spot, and they both knew it. But it would contribute to her recovery. And that was enough for Beca and Chloe for now.


	7. Seven

Beca and Chloe had made out gently for several minutes, both relishing the feel of one another’s mouths on theirs. Both making the most of the way all of their worries seemed to slip to the back of their minds while they made the most of this intimate time together.

Before long the kiss had come to a natural end and now they both laid together in silence on Chloe’s bed, Chloe tucked into Beca’s body while Beca kept her arms wrapped around her best friend.

The redhead fiddled with a button on Beca’s top, clearly deep in thought. And Beca worried as usual - this time mostly worried that Chloe was hearing voices. Sinister voices. Voices that could make her lower than she already was.

“Tell me a story. From one of your happiest memories.” Chloe mumbled, her breath tickling the skin of Beca’s chest.

“Happiest memories?” Beca asked, furrowing her brow slightly. Nobody had ever asked her to do something like that before. And vice-versa.

“You have  _some_  happy memories.” Chloe insisted, her tone monotonal she was so exhausted, “From our time at Barden at least.”

Beca cleared her throat, bringing her head down from above Chloe’s head to face her best friend. She tried to look into Chloe’s eyes, but the woman continued to look down at the button she was fiddling with and Beca had to remind herself that this Chloe was someone who didn’t care so much about eye-contact. It was strange.

The brunette drew breath into her lungs, holding it there for a moment while she thought hard. Then she let out a heavy exhale while she reached a hand up to push her fingers methodically through Chloe’s hair.

“Well the happiest memory I have from Barden is a bunch of memories from something we used to do a lot.” She paused, watching while Chloe’s eyes fluttered closed at her delicate touch, “Thursday nights? Movie night with the girls?”

Beca’s heart leapt when she saw a slight flicker of a smile poke into the left corner of Chloe’s mouth. But it disappeared almost as quick as it had appeared. As though it had been a twitch. Beca hoped Chloe’s mind was being taken back to those days. That she was already seeking some solace from those happy memories.

“How Lilly would always insist on watching the movie from under the table. How Jessica and Ashley would always do Buzzfeed quizzes on their phones instead of actually watching the movie. How Stacie would successfully guess the age of every actor on the screen. How Flo would always know the outdoor movie locations because she’d seen so much of the world.”

Beca felt tears welling up in her tired eyes again. She really missed those days that they’d all been together in their big sorority house in college. Life had seemed so much simpler - even when she’d had her own daily internal struggle with depression and anxiety.

“And Cynthia Rose would always be the one on her phone checking Stacie and Flo’s facts on Google, confirming if they were right or wrong.”

A small smile spread on Beca’s face as she remembered one particular part of ‘Movie Night’:

“Oh God, and I remember the way Fat Amy would  _always_  bring through a massive bowl of her ‘Fat Snack Mix’. Which was just popcorn with M&Ms mixed in and chocolate syrup squeezed over.”

That tiny flicker of a smile poked in the corner of Chloe’s mouth, and Beca felt a slight glimmer of hope. Those days really had been happy days.

“Then there was you.” Beca said in a soft affectionate tone, “Forever saving that little spot on the armchair beside you. Saving that little spot for me.”

The brunette took a deep breath, smiling gently when she remembered how safe she’d felt sat beside her best friend. From the moment they’d moved into that house she’d felt safe around Chloe. Chloe had been that familiar warm blanket. One that, over the following college years, had eased her way past Beca’s walls and into the prickly woman’s heart.

“I know I rolled my eyes and seemed reluctant at first. But by the time senior year rolled around…I realised just how much you meant to me.”

She watched as Chloe’s eyes slowly flickered open and looked up at her. The woman’s ‘smile’ had dropped a while ago, but Chloe wore a calm expression unlike anything Beca had seen since arriving here a couple of days ago.

“That’s why I’d let you slide your legs over my lap or why I’d let you lean against my body while you dozed in front of the movie.” Beca added softly, looking at Chloe seriously, her smile also no longer present, “I had a huge crush on you.”

The two best friends laid before one another in silence while they let the reality of Beca’s confession and happy memory sink in. It wasn’t a case of Beca worrying that Chloe would freak out to find out about the crush - after all they’d admitted their love for one another earlier that morning. It was more that Beca worried Chloe hadn’t heard her at all and that some sort of dark mist had descended over her, clouding her hearing.

Chloe appeared to have that distant look in her eyes and Beca continued to stroke her hand delicately through her best friend’s red hair, patiently waiting for Chloe to come back to her. Beca remembered that feeling. The feeling of hopelessness that wasn’t necessarily triggered by anything. It just…happened. Unannounced. And sometimes it had been okay because she’d been alone in her room or at the radio station. But sometimes it’d loomed over her during public occasions like family gatherings she’d been forced to attend when she’d been a teen, or that time after their second ICCA’s win in college when Beca had forgotten her anti-depressants..

Beca was fully aware that she needed to brooch the subject of Chloe’s medication again. But she had to pick the right time. And now wasn’t right.

Several minutes passed, Beca continuing to lightly stroke Chloe’s hair while the redhead lay facing her with a blank distant expression. And soon Beca decided it was time to try to bring Chloe back. To try to comfort her best friend once again.

“ _Chloe_?” Beca whispered softly, pausing while she waited for some sign that Chloe had heard. But after no change, she tried again, “Chlo?” she said in a quiet tone, ducking her nose to nudge at the tip of Chloe’s nose before bringing her face back and she saw her best friend suddenly blink a few times in close succession. The redhead let out a heavy shaky sigh, and that’s when Beca saw she was back in the room.

“Sorry.” Chloe mumbled, but Beca knew the woman had nothing to apologise for. Being depressed was really hard.

“It’s okay.” came the calm reply, and Beca took a couple of beats before asking something she’d been wondering for a couple of days now, “Do you hear voices? Like…horrible voices? Negative voices?”

Beca held her breath as Chloe’s dull blue eyes bore into hers, the redhead blinking slowly again, her fingertips resuming the fiddling with Beca’s button. Then after a few moments to mull over her answer, Chloe opened her mouth and sucked in some air to respond.

But no words came out. And instead she simply nodded slowly. Beca’s heart lurched for her best friend. She knew only too well how bad those voices could be. How draining they were.

“What sorts of things are they saying?”

There was another pause as Chloe seemed to be trying her hardest to block the voices for a moment so she could answer properly:

“That I’m worthless and don’t deserve someone as good as you in my life. That the world wouldn’t care if I wasn’t here anymore.” Chloe croaked.

The bedroom fell silent while the two best friends continued to stare into one another’s eyes. The air around them seemed to almost cool as Chloe’s dark confession sank in.

Beca took a couple of shaky breaths, then brought her hand to Chloe’s cheek, cupping it gently. As her thumb smoothed delicately across the redhead’s dry skin, tears brimmed in both the womens’ eyes.

“You’re the only person I think of if ever someone asks me if I’ve got someone special in my life. I immediately think of you because you’re amazing.” Beca paused to swallow loudly while a tear rolled down her cheek and soaked into the pillow, “You’re kind, and beautiful, and strong. A ray of sunshine on a dark day. And I love you so much.” Her words were soft and spoken slowly in the hope that Chloe heard each one, “You’re far from worthless. You’re just a bit lost. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to find yourself again. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be by your side while you search.”

Beca paused again to sniff. Chloe’s eyes were still welling-up. But she still looked lost. She still looked hopeless. So with one deep breath Beca sniffed gently again, then softly added:

“And the world is a better place with you in it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise - whether they’re real or not real.”

Beca watched as Chloe slowly reached up to cup the back of her hand that was rested on Chloe’s cheek, their gaze remaining locked. The redhead turned her head slightly to place a kiss on Beca’s thenar, then let out a heavy exhale while resuming her focus on her best friend.

“ _Thank you_.” Chloe whispered, that fleeting smile poking into the corner of her mouth again then quickly disappearing. Beca’s heart fluttered. There was another tiny snippet of the old Chloe. They were making progress.


	8. Eight

The buzzer sounded loudly from the front door, echoing around the apartment and through to the quiet bedroom. Beca felt Chloe jolt awake in her arms, the redhead having fallen asleep a good hour or so ago while the two best friends laid in her bed.

Beca hadn’t been tired so had instead spent the afternoon watching over Chloe instead, smoothing her fingers affectionately through the woman’s hair here and there. Thinking back on the days they’d spent together back in college and Brooklyn.

“That’ll be the groceries.” Beca croaked, as the buzzer rang again. She watched as Chloe looked over at her with a furrowed brow.

“I ordered groceries online.” The brunette explained softly, “And I’m gonna make us some soup for dinner.”

Chloe’s cogs appeared to be whirring while she processed the information Beca had just shared. Back in Brooklyn, during the winter months, homemade soup had been one of Beca’s signature dishes. And she made so much of the stuff in one batch that they used to freeze it in small bags so that they could reheat it throughout the week. Like a healthier version of fast food.

Beca leant over to Chloe and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead before slowly sliding off the bed and out of the room to answer the buzzer which was grating loudly for a third time. Beca hadn’t known delivery services to be so impatient before.

But to her surprise, she opened the door to see the unmistakable figure of one of her best friends - and fellow Bella - Amy. The Australian appeared to hesitate momentarily, and her brow furrowed.

“Beca? What the hell are you doing here?”

Beca was stunned. This definitely  _wasn’t_  the grocery delivery she’d ordered.

“What am  _I_  doing here?” she hissed in a low tone, stepping out of the apartment for a moment and closing the door over, “What are  _you_ doing here??”

“I’m here to see Chloe, obviously.” Amy said with her hands up defensively, completely confused as to why Beca was keeping a low voice while seemingly insisting they stood outside the apartment to talk, “I got worried when she wasn’t answering my calls. Chloe never ignores a call.”

Beca’s mind flickered back to Chloe’s iPhone which lay dormant and out of battery on a dresser near the door of the bedroom. From the looks of things the redhead hadn’t addressed it in days.

“Yeah, well…” Beca paused to let out a heavy sigh, pushing her greasy long brown hair back from her face, “…Chloe’s not been doing so great recently.”

The corridor outside the apartment fell silent as Amy appeared to try to work out what that meant. To be fair to the woman, if anyone was going to know what it was like to be around someone in a depressive state it was Amy. After all, Beca and Amy had shared a room in college. Back when Beca had been the lowest she’d ever been. All Amy had done though was avoid Beca as much as possible - mostly because Beca had consistently told her (and the rest of The Bellas except Chloe) to leave her alone. Amy was loyal. But Beca wasn’t sure if Amy was quite what Chloe needed right now. At the moment all the redhead seemed to do was lay in silence or try to snooze.

“Like…with her grades?” Amy attempted to work out but Beca looked back at her, slowly shaking her head miserably.

“Like with depression.”

There was silence again while Amy’s mouth dropped open in horror. It wasn’t difficult to see just how exhausted Beca looked. How worried the woman seemed.

“How bad is it?” Came the Australian’s next question and Beca let out another sigh, looking fleetingly up at the ceiling while she shrugged and shook her head, then looked back down at her friend, tears tainting her tired eyes.

“Pretty bad.” Beca replied in a quiet voice, “Little sleep, barely drinking, not eating, barely talking…”

Another silence came and Beca sniffed. She hated feeling like this. So tired and exhausted. And worried. Above all things she felt worried.

“And how are you with all that’s going on?”

“Me?” Beca furrowed her brow slightly.

“Yeah. You’re important too you know.” Amy said with her eyebrows raised seriously, “You’re the one supporting her. You’re the one going through the trauma of seeing Chloe like this. So how are  _you_  feeling?”

Beca bit her bottom lip, mulling over her answer. She hadn’t thought about how she was feeling. She hadn’t had time. All her thoughts, and all her feelings had been channelled towards Chloe. She’d been putting everything into trying to comfort her.

“ _Terrified_.” she whispered in reply. It was the first time she’d said it out loud. The first time she’d admitted it. And actually the first time she’d used the word ‘terrified’ to describe any given situation.

She must’ve looked bad, because she watched as Fat Amy strode forward and threw her arms around her petite body. Normally Beca would push anyone who hugged her away. She hated unnecessary physical contact. But as she let out a heavy shaky sigh while tears built in her eyes, she felt relieved by Amy’s presence. She let her body relax slightly, despite Amy’s strong pats on her back to try to comfort her, her arms still by her sides as they were every time Amy tried to hug her.

“You still in love with Chloe as much as you were back in Brooklyn?” The Australian asked, and Beca found herself nodding against the woman’s shoulder. Amy had found out about Beca’s love for Chloe after conveniently finding a song that Beca had written within the pages of Beca’s journal - the lyrics of which described the redhead perfectly. There had been no denying it had been about Chloe. But to Beca’s surprise Amy hadn’t teased her too much about it. Had just kept pushing her to say something because Amy was adamant that Chloe felt the same way about Beca.

“We kissed.” Beca mumbled from within the hug, and it was enough of a confession to have Amy pull her arms from around her best friend’s little body, “You were right. She’s in love with me too. Which is what makes seeing her like this all the more difficult.”

Beca sniffed loudly then sighed, rubbing her nose on the heel of her hand before looking back up at Amy. The woman looked at her sympathetically. In a weird way, it was good of Amy to be here. Even if it hadn’t been for this specific reason.

“Has she been showing signs of improvement?” Amy asked and Beca nodded:

“A little.”

“Then stick at it, Shortstuff.” Amy added with a kind smile, reaching out and placing a playful thump on the brunette’s arm, “She’ll make it through. After all, you did.”

The corridor fell silent again, save for the odd sniff that Beca took to try to keep her tears back. She felt exhausted. Both physically and emotionally. But she was grateful for the impromptu pep talk.

“Thanks Amy.” Beca mumbled, and Amy shrugged.

“So can I get anything for you guys? Some food or-?”

“Actually, I’m expecting a groceries order, but they didnt have any pineapple in stock. Any chance you could pick one up?” Beca asked hopefully. She hated asking for favours. But Amy  _had_  offered..

“I’ll get you 100 pineapples if you want!” Amy said seriously and while many people would assumed she was joking, Beca knew the Australian wasn’t.

“Just…” she said quickly, reaching a hand out to stop her friend from turning, “…just the one, Amy. It’s Chloe’s favourite but I still don’t know if she’ll be able to stomach it yet.”

Amy nodded, letting out a short sigh, “I’ll leave it at the door and text you.”

“Thanks Amy.” Beca mumbled again with a small grateful smile. The two friends looked at one another. Amy had always been there for Beca in her own special ways. The richest of The Bellas, the woman would always be popping up at random shows that Beca was performing. But right now Amy was definitely showing her worth in the friendship department.

“I’ll be at an AirBnB a couple of blocks away. Let me know if you need anything and I’ll be there.” Amy said honestly, reaching out and gripping Beca’s shoulder gently, a kind smile on her face and Beca nodded in response. “Everything’s going to be okay, Beca.”

And Beca nodded again, “Yeah I know. It just feels like she’s got so far to go.”

——

Beca crept back into the bedroom, her stomach knotting when she looked down at Chloe and was reminded just how vulnerable and malnourished she looked. But after a surprising pep-talk from Amy, Beca felt re-equipped to return to Chloe’s side. And as she slipped beneath the bedcovers again, she smoothed her arm over Chloe’s waist, quietly laying beside her best friend.

“Has Amy started a food delivery company?” Chloe asked in a croaky voice, her eyes still closed. A tiny smile poked into the corners of Beca’s mouth. Another comment that old Chloe would’ve said with a growing smile on her face.

No smile, but the redhead’s eyes opened and Beca thought she could see a cheeky glint in them.

“She popped by to see you.”

Chloe’s eyes fluttered closed while she let out a heavy sigh, “I don’t know if I have the energy for Amy right now.”

“I know.” Beca replied in a soft voice, gently running her fingertips across Chloe’s lower back to sooth her, “That’s why she didn’t stay.”

She watched as Chloe’s eyes slowly opened again, and the redhead gently leant her face towards Beca, placing a soft kiss on her lips before returning back to her pillow with a sigh.

“Thank you.” she mumbled.

And the two best friends slowly settled in one another’s arms again, ready to face the afternoon, still in bed, but together.


	9. Nine

_“Did you want to have it here or at the table?”_

Beca hadn’t in a million years expected Chloe to choose to eat the soup she’d just made up at the dinner table. But after several moments of though, the redhead had looked up into her eyes and had simply croaked “Table.”

So now she sat along one side of the dining table near the kitchen, watching Chloe cautiously while the older woman slowly shuffled through from the bedroom. In this light Chloe looked exhausted, weak, and vulnerable. But Beca had sadly become accustomed to the sight of her best friend looking like this.

The brunette hesitated for a moment as Chloe took the seat beside her at the table, instead of the seat opposite her where Beca had laid out the other spoon and bowl of soup. Chloe seemed to be staring down at the empty table just in front of her, lost in whatever thoughts were rolling around in her head. Beca felt a lump in her throat. She wished Chloe felt better.

With a shallow breath, Beca slid the bowl of soup and spoon that had been in front of her, across to Chloe. She then rose from her seat slightly and caught hold of the bowl of soup and spoon opposite, sliding it back so it rested in front of her. Then they both sat in silence. Neither touching their respective soup.

Beca wondered how long they’d be like this. How many times she would try to encourage Chloe to eat or drink. And how many times it would be a struggle. How many times Chloe would end up eating a few mouthfuls of cold dinner because she’d stared down at it for so long.

“Did you want some bread?” Beca asked quietly, looking to her best friend for any sign that Chloe would answer.

She watched as the woman nodded everso gently. And so Beca reached out to the crusty baked loaf that had come with the groceries, and cut a small slice.

“Butter?” Came the next question, and Chloe croaked a tiny “uhuh.”

Beca carefully buttered the slice, then placed it beside Chloe’s soup bowl, before cutting and buttering her own slice. She noticed out of the corner of her eye, Chloe reaching down to her spoon, slowly picking it up, and dipping it beneath the hot liquid.

She tried not to stare at the woman while she took her first mouthful of something nutritious in God knows how long. Beca’s heart rose in hope as she heard her best friend sip at the soup loudly, a sigh falling from Chloe’s mouth shortly after. But it wasn’t a sigh of disappointment. It sounded like a small sigh of relief. And in hearing it, Beca also felt somewhat relieved, immediately dunking her slice of buttered bread beneath the surface of her own soup.

“You haven’t given me a challenge for the day.”

Beca paused, surprised to hear such a long sentence from someone who had only really said one or two words to her over the past few hours since Amy’s impromptu visit. The brunette watched the butter slowly melt from the hot soup. Then she glanced over at her best friend who was watching her, her own buttered bread between both her hands. Chloe was squishing it slightly, just like she’d always done back when they’d lived together in Brooklyn.

“That’s because you’ve already completed it.” Beca said softly, a small kind smile poking from the corners of her mouth while she looked into Chloe’s blue eyes. Still not a bright blue as they had once been. But Beca felt as though she could get through to Chloe a little better than she had tried to earlier.

The tiniest of smiles twitched on Chloe’s face as the redhead looked at the bread between her fingers, nodding gently to confirm she understood what Beca was suggesting. She had got out of bed. Had come to sit at the table. Was attempting to eat some food.

Chloe gently dunked her bread into the hot soup, pausing while she watched the liquid soak in, then slowly brought the soggy bread to her mouth. Beca watched as Chloe sucked the food into her mouth.

“It tastes nice.” Chloe mumbled weakly. Beca nodded gratefully.

“Well just take your time and only eat what you can manage.” She replied kindly, dunking her own bread into her soup again, keeping her eye on it while adding, “I can always re-heat it if it gets too cold.”

More progress had been made this evening. And Beca was so proud of Chloe.

She knew how difficult getting out of bed was. She knew how difficult forming sentences was. She knew how much energy it took to express any sort of emotion that wasn’t disappointment in herself and her life. And she knew how difficult it was to eat anything after so long without food.

But Chloe was doing it. At her own pace.

And because Beca had been through such a similar experience before and had come out the other end successfully - the brunette truly believed that in time Chloe would catch up with her. Chloe would find herself again. And Beca would be there when she did.


	10. Ten

It had been three days since Beca had first made the soup. Three days since Chloe had eaten some of it and a whole slice of bread (though it had taken her a good forty minutes to do so). Three days since Amy had snuck back to the apartment with a pineapple and a bottle of strawberry milkshake, leaving them both at the front door then texting Beca. Strawberry milkshake that had gone down surprisingly well with Chloe.

Over the course of the days following, Beca had made another batch of soup and some homemade fruit smoothies, which the redhead had valiantly taken steady sips of as the time passed. And Chloe began to look a little less gaunt and a little less pale. During the rare moments in the day that she felt in the mood to talk she was able to hold a conversation far better than she had done at the beginning of the week.

But despite her cheeks looking slightly pinker and her skin a little less dry, Beca still couldn’t help noticing the way Chloe would sometimes become checked-out. Her eyes would almost glaze over and her expression would become rather tormented.

In those times Beca would remain layed beside her in silence, counting down the seconds until her Chloe came back to her. It was in those moments that Beca became her most afraid. It was in those moments that Beca planned on how to brooch the subject of Chloe starting to take the meds she’d been prescribed.

“ _Hey_.” Beca whispered, bringing a hand up to curl some of Chloe’s greasy hair behind her ear. The word and action had Chloe suddenly jump out of the dark place she’d sunk into and Beca watched as her best friend took a deep shaky breath of relief. Chloe returned to the room and to Beca once again.

“ _I’ve been thinking about your next challenge_.” Beca whispered cautiously, her heart hammering she was so worried what she was going to challenge Chloe to do would push the woman away again. They’d made so much progress together this week. Chloe in particular. She desperately didn’t want to ruin it all.

“ _But it’s a difficult one_.”

She watched as Chloe blinked slowly at her. Then Beca took a deep breath.

 _“I challenge you to take one of the pills you’ve been prescribed_.”

Beca waited, hoping and praying that Chloe would process this well. That she would see that Beca wasn’t suggesting this to nag her, but rather she was suggesting this with Chloe’s best interest in mind.

“You really think I need to take them?” Chloe asked quietly, and Beca swallowed loudly. If she was brutally honest then yes, she  _did_  think Chloe needed to take them. It wasn’t enough for the redhead to start eating a bit better. She needed help from other angles and right now, Beca could see another angle being her medication that an  _actual_ doctor had prescribed for her.

Beca let her fingertips drift from Chloe’s shoulder and down the skin of the woman’s arm. They laid opposite one another in Chloe’s bed. Just as they had been doing for most of the time since Beca had arrived here almost a week ago. It was as though they’d never been apart.

“I’m just going on personal experience here, Chlo.” Beca said in a soft tone, continuously looking into Chloe’s eyes, desperate for the woman to read her as well as she’d used to, “I remember the day after I’d started taking my meds, the heavy cloud lifting from over me. It was like I could see sunshine for the first time in my life. And a lot of that was down to my meds. A lot of it is  _still_  down to my meds..”

She paused, watching while Chloe seemed to drink this information in, choosing to add a calm, “I don’t hear shitty voices any more.” in the hope that it would inform the redhead further.

Tears seemed to form in Chloe’s blue eyes, and Beca took her hand, holding it reassuringly while her best friend sniffed loudly.

“ _I’m just scared_.” Chloe whispered.

“ _Of what_?”

There were several moments where Chloe remained silent, giving Beca no choice but to lay there patiently. Beca had learnt over the years that if someone was upset, keeping quiet was the best way to have a conversation with them. Usually the person who was upset needed an opportunity to talk. And silence invited that person to fill in the gaps in a conversation. Chloe had taught her that.

“I’m scared that if I take those meds I’ll get better.” Chloe mumbled, a tear rolling down her cheek, “Then where will that leave me? Dependent on a bunch of pills to make me happy again.”

Beca could see her point. She could see why Chloe would be reluctant.

“I was never like this back in college or Brooklyn. I was happy. I never needed any medication.”

There was a pause while Chloe took her time to find more words to explain her thoughts on Beca’s challenge. The brunette watched as her best friend swiped her tongue across her lips trying to moisten them. Then with a quiet voice, Chloe added:

“So the reason why I haven’t taken my meds since they were prescribed is because…I thought I’d get better without them.”

Beca took a deep breath, her heart lurching at the sight of Chloe still looking so lost. The brunette shunted her hips forward, closer to her best friend, and she wrapped her arms around the woman while Chloe took the opportunity to tuck into Beca’s body. Chloe silently cried against Beca’s chest while Beca held her safely.

“I hate being like this.” Chloe blubbed from within Beca’s arms, “I hate being a burden.”

But Beca just placed a firm kiss on the top of her best friend’s head, saying against the red hair in a soft tone, “You’re not a burden.”

And they laid like that for several minutes, until Chloe had cried herself to sleep - her clutches to the front of Beca’s top loosening slightly while Beca held her.

Beca could remember the internal struggle of whether to start on medication to improve her mood. She imagined it was very normal. Chloe only confirming her thoughts in the way that the redhead was questioning whether she should begin taking her own medication. But Beca was sure Chloe just needed to try.

——

“Okay.” Chloe croaked, and Beca unpeeled her arms from around the woman’s body while Chloe slowly sat herself up in the bed with a wince. “I’ll give the meds a go.”

Beca eased herself up to sit up beside her best friend, peering through the darkness, the sunlight having slipped beneath the horizon around an hour earlier. The brunette reached out to switch the lamp on beside her, and the bedroom was filled with low-light that still caused the two women to scrunch their faces up slightly, blinking to adjust to the light.

“Did you want a fresh water or-?” Beca asked but Chloe quickly shook her head.

“No. I…I don’t want to change my mind.” came the reply as Chloe kept her eyes honed on the small medication box by the glass of water that Beca had brought through hours ago. Beca nodded gently to show she’d understood Chloe’s decision. Then she held her breath while the woman slowly reached across her body to take the box of meds.

Chloe sat back and stared at the packet. Like it were some sort of nuclear button that she had the option to push. Once done, she could never go back. And Beca could tell that was what worried Chloe the most.

“What if you don’t love the new me once I take these?” Chloe mumbled vulnerably, still looking down at the packet but clearly directing her fear at Beca.

“Chloe?” Beca paused, waiting patiently for her best friend to look at her. And Chloe did so after several moments, tears building in her blue eyes while she looked back at Beca in fear. But Beca wasn’t afraid of Chloe’s potential change in personality once she took these meds. So she smiled everso gently, reaching out to smooth the palm of her hand over Chloe’s back.

“I’m  _so_  in love with you. And that’s never going to change. No matter what happens.” She watched as Chloe looked back down at the small box in her hands, a tiny smile twitching across Chloe’s mouth as Beca added, “I love you as much now as I did in college. As much now as I did in Brooklyn.”

Beca paused as Chloe looked back up at her again, noting for the first time that the woman’s shoulders seemed to relax slightly. And she couldn’t be sure if it was because of her words or because Chloe’s concern about her meds was uncomplicating slowly. But it was another step forward. So with a deep breath Beca said softly:

“You don’t need to be afraid. I’m gonna be in love with you forever. No matter what.”

Chloe seemed to hesitate, looking back down at the small box of meds, and after a few moments of pondering she took a deep shaky breath. Her fingers began fumbling to open the box, and she tugged out a strip of pills in a plastic and foil packet.

The redhead appeared to psych herself up. Appeared to try to work out which identical small pill to choose first. And Beca watched as Chloe didn’t divert her attention from the pills, but pointed over at the glass of stale water. So Beca took it and held it patiently near Chloe until the woman was ready.

Chloe took several shallow breaths, then in one quick swoop (the fastest Beca had seen her move in a long time), Chloe picked one of the pills, breaking through the foil and plucking it between her finger and thumb and shoving it onto her tongue. She grabbed the glass of water almost instantly, and quickly gulped the liquid down with the pill, swallowing loudly.

Once the glass and box of pills had been returned to the bedside table, Beca and Chloe sat back in the bed. Chloe had tucked herself into Beca’s body again and Beca had held her tight, placing soft kisses on her forehead. Chloe let out a heavy sigh.

“I hope they work.” she mumbled in a tone that Beca recognised. Chloe was feeling anxious. She could tell.

“They’ll work.” Beca assured in a calm voice, hoping beyond all hope that they would. “And I’m still gonna love you.”

She heard Chloe let out a heavy sigh, the woman’s body getting a little heavier in her arms, “ _Thank you_.” Chloe whispered, tilting her face up so she could place a kiss just under Beca’s chin.

Then the two best friends settled into a fairly calm state. Chloe drifting back off to sleep and Beca dozing while sat up in bed, holding the woman she loved protectively in her arms.


	11. Eleven

Beca hadn’t ever expected Chloe’s change in mood to be an immediate thing. Nor had she ever expected Chloe to wake up one day with a huge smile on her face and exclaim just how happy she felt. And those realistic expectations meant that the following couple of days of Chloe taking her meds hadn’t really changed too much from the few days  _before_  she’d started taking them.

In fact, the main difference Beca had noticed was that Chloe hadn’t really cried since then. She’d still been tired and had napped a fair bit during the day. Had still remained fairly quiet, not chatting much to Beca at all unless Beca spoke to her first. But she’d still got out of bed for meals: mid-morning for a breakfast smoothie that Beca made her, lunchtime for a light meal that Beca would’ve prepared for them, and a nutritious varied dinner - also prepared by Beca. She took regular sips of water throughout the days that she was awake. And she’d even mustered a scrap of energy to shower daily.

By the second Sunday since Beca had arrived at Chloe’s apartment - eleven days into her stay - the brunette slowly, peacefully stirred in her sleep, stretching her limbs slightly while letting out a light groan. She paused for a moment as she felt soft fingertips skimming across her cheek and slowly stroking down the length of her face to her jaw then back up again.

Beca gently opened her eyes and saw Chloe looking back at her with an expression that Beca had missed. It had been an expression Chloe had worn all too often back in Brooklyn when they’d shared a bed. A soft calm smile was spread across the redhead’s mouth, and as Beca looked into Chloe’s blue eyes, she noticed a sparkle in them that had been lost over the past couple of weeks. Beca suspected it was a sparkle that been lost over the past few months too - but she hadn’t seen anything of Chloe back then.

Beca watched as her best friend drew a deep breath in through her nose, and the younger woman’s heart skipped a beat. This was it. This was a part of Chloe that had been missing. The redhead had begun to find herself again.

“You look cute when you’re sleeping.” Chloe mumbled in a quiet voice, and her words caused a broad smile to break across Beca’s face. It was the nicest, lightest, happiest thing she’d heard Chloe say to her since she’d arrived here. And a compliment at that. Chloe was making progress.

“Should I be concerned that you’re watching me sleep?” Beca dared to ask in a slightly sarcastic tone, much as she did back in their days at Barden and in Brooklyn. To her delight a force of air pushed from Chloe’s nostrils to show the redhead had silently chuckled, her smile growing.

“Definitely not.”

Chloe sat up gently, leaning towards Beca, and she smoothed her fingertips through Beca’s long brown hair. Beca gazed up into her best friend’s eyes, her heart thudding with joy and love at how wonderful it was to see Chloe looking down at her with so much affection.

“It just shows how in love I am with you.” Chloe added in a soft tone, her fingers untangling from Beca’s hair so her fingernails could gently whisper over the skin of Beca’s cheek again.

Beca reached up and took Chloe’s hand that was by her face, pulling it to her mouth and placing several quick soft kisses on Chloe’s palm. Then she guided Chloe’s hand to rest over her hammering heart.

The two women lay staring calmly into one another’s eyes with soft smiles on their faces. This was the best they’d ever been. And though they’d confessed their love to one another. Though they’d kissed heavily twice - although both those times had been instigated by Chloe when she’d required some sort of comfort - they’d done little more since then than share the odd peck on the lips. Chloe hadn’t been feeling like doling out affection and Beca hadn’t wanted to feel like she was pressuring Chloe to do something she might not want to do.

But Chloe brought her other hand up to softly stroke back some of Beca’s brown hair from her forehead, then with a shallow breath taken, she slowly brought her face to Beca’s. Their eyes fluttered closed as they shared a soft but sure kiss. Their best one yet.

Beca sunk into a blissful state of mind, relishing the feel of Chloe’s gentle lips on hers. This kiss felt streaks better than the kiss they’d first shared in that shower a couple of weeks back. Streaks better then that kiss they’d shared the day after that.

This Chloe that she was kissing felt far more grounded. Felt as though she was truly putting her all into this kiss because she had nothing else to worry about. No voices in her head to be distracted by. She was well nourished and of a far sounder mind.

Beca loved Chloe now as much as she’d always done. Even when Chloe had been at her lowest several day’s ago. But right now Beca found herself falling even deeper in love with her best friend. Because for the first time ever, Beca felt as though Chloe truly loved her back.

“ _Thank you for rescuing me._ ” Chloe whispered against Beca’s lips, having broken their kiss for a moment, and their foreheads remained pressed gently against one another, their eyes still closed. “ _Thank you for being here for me_.”

Beca let out a content sigh, nudging the tip of her nose delicately against Chloe’s. Work were going to soon be on her tail. Particularly as she was due to start a new promo tour in two days time and she hadn’t once left Chloe’s side since arriving here. But they’d live. They’d  _have_  to live. Because there was no way she was going to be leaving Chloe any time soon.

“Always.” Beca mumbled with a calm smile on her face. And the two best friends gently drew their lips back together, slowly making out in Chloe’s bed, not bothered for one second that it was only 7.30 in the morning. Time had stopped becoming an issue.

All that mattered to Beca was Chloe. All that mattered to Chloe was Beca. And while they both knew that Chloe still had some way to go, today already felt like the start of something fresh and new. So long as they were together, Beca and Chloe believed they could now take anything on.


End file.
